In leadership, one of the most common frustrations I hear from clients goes something like this:

 “Why doesn’t my team step up?”
“Why aren’t they more engaged?”
“Why don’t they just do what needs to be done?”

At the root of all these questions is often a powerful blind spot.

It’s the assumption that leadership is about getting others to do what you want.

But here’s the truth:
People don’t act because you want them to. They act because something in it matters to them.

And that’s not just human nature—it’s psychology, influence, and real leadership at work.

The Shift That Changes Everything

As leaders, we’re trained to think in terms of outcomes, goals, and KPIs. We’re measured by results. So, it’s only natural that we approach conversations from the mindset of:
“How can I get this person to do X?”

But that’s the wrong question.

A better one is:
“What does this person want—and how can I align that with what I need?”

Because here’s the thing:

✔ Everyone is motivated by something.
✔ No one is motivated by being “managed.”
✔ People want to feel seen, understood, and valued.

You don’t have to manipulate anyone to perform.
You just need to connect your vision with their motivation.

Real Leadership Starts With Curiosity

Let’s break it down.

 A disengaged employee might not be lazy - they might just not see the why.
A team member missing deadlines might not lack skill - they might lack clarity or ownership.
A top performer who’s suddenly checked out might need purpose, not more pressure.

The only way to find out?
Ask. Listen. Observe. Get curious.

This is why self-aware, emotionally intelligent leaders see stronger results—not because they control more, but because they connect better.

How to Lead With Alignment, Not Authority

Here are five practical ways to apply this mindset starting today:

1. Shift the Question

Instead of “Why aren’t they doing this?” ask,
👉 “What matters to them right now?”
👉 “How can I make this relevant to their goals?”

2. Be Specific in What You Observe

Not everyone is motivated by the same things.
Some people thrive on autonomy.
Some want recognition.
Others are driven by stability, mastery, or impact.

Find out what lights them up and lead from there.

3. Communicate the Win-Win

If your team member’s goal is professional growth, show how a stretch assignment gets them closer.
If they value balance, let them design the approach as long as outcomes are met.

Make your shared success mutual.

4. Lead With Value, Not Demands

When you offer guidance, support, development opportunities, or appreciation first, you build the kind of trust that earns long-term engagement.

That’s not manipulation - it’s reciprocity. It’s leadership.

5. Let Go of Control to Gain Influence

People don’t follow you because they have to.
They follow you when they want to.

And that only happens when they feel seen and supported in their own journey.

Final Thought: Leadership Is a Relationship

At the end of the day, leadership is not a power play. It’s a relationship.
It’s a two-way street where results are the outcome of understanding not pressure.

So the next time you feel frustrated by someone’s performance, pause and ask:

“Do I truly understand what they care about?”

Because once you know that, the real conversation can begin.

Ready to Lead With More Impact?

If you want to become the kind of leader who inspires not pressures your team to perform, let’s talk.

In my coaching, we dive deep into how to build influence through empathy, clarity, and connection without burning yourself out in the process.

📩 Reach out at sabine.wieger@careerdevcoaching.com to learn more.